VAN UTD? MAN PERSIE? FATMAN AND ROBIN?
On the one hand, Arsenal fans are in mourning over the sale of Robin van Persie to Manchester United (subject to a medical for a player about as knack-prone as a blindfolded toddler riding a skateboard down the stairs while juggling several pairs of scissors). On the other hand, Arsenal fans are in a celebratory mood because Van Persie's sale has led to a comical public meltdown from creepy celebrity stalker Piers Morgan, who took to Twitter last night to wail in the style of said blindfolded toddler at the end of his journey down the stairs on a skateboard while juggling several pairs of scissors. "Waaaahhh!" wailed Arsenal's top boy, stamping his feet and spitting his dummy out, to the amusement of even Arsene Wenger. "It's not fair! Waaaaahhhhh!" Given this reaction, it is more or less Arsenal's public duty to rename the club The Tottenham Hotspur Tribute Act and replace the statue of Thierry Henry outside the Emirates with one of Bill Nicholson.
Van Persie's departure has been labelled by some as a betrayal, although the Fiver assumes the same people weren't complaining when Sol Campbell joined Arsenal from Spurs. Well, the first time anyway. But in reality, it's not. United and Arsenal might have been rivals in the past, Roy Keane once threatening to destroy the Highbury tunnel with his own bare hands, but no more, not since Wenger decided that winning trophies is for losers. The consequence of that approach has led to the likes of Henry, Patrick Vieira, Ashley Cole, Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri leaving, with Van Persie merely the latest to reject the Wenger Way.
Last summer, Wenger had this to say about Fabregas and Nasri leaving: "Imagine the worst situation – we lose Fabregas and Nasri – you cannot convince people you are ambitious after that." Both left, and Wenger's time at Arsenal reached an all-time low with the 8-2 thumping at Old Trafford. But this is not necessarily a disaster for the Gunners. After all, United could find that spending £23m for a 29-year-old with one year left on his contract with a terrible knack record proves to be the worst piece of business since the Fiver opened a pork restaurant in Golders Green.
With Santi Cazorla, Olivier Giroud and Lukas Podolski already having arrived at Arsenal, maybe the future is bright after all. And £23m is a lot of money as well – a real chance for Wenger to push on, improve the squad even more and … hang on a minute. What's this? "We have already recruited since we bought [Olivier] Giroud and [Lukas] Podolski, who originally were intended to offset the departure of Van Persie," deadpanned Wenger, preparing a deal to bring Teddy Sheringham out of retirement.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I am disappointed, bordering on a little bit of anger almost … It is difficult for someone like me who has an Arsenal gun sealed to his chest" – Arsenal great and Very Placid Man Bob Wilson reveals he's nearly a tiny bit miffed at the Van Persie move. Possibly more worrying is his claim to seemingly have a Gooner-branded firearm attached to his person like some sort of Emirates-season-ticket-holding ED-209. Or like this.
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Ashley Gilbert's comment that 'if the universe were actually infinite it would contain, somewhere in it, everything that could possibly be' (yesterday's Fiver letters). I'm not sure that's true. Just because something is interminable and never-ending, doesn't mean that it can contain everything that can possibly be. If it did then there might be something worth reading in the Fiver once in a while" – Stephen Yoxall.
"Here in the States, the Fiver arrives just before lunchtime. As I tucked into yesterday's issue and about to eat lunch, I was sickened to read about $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver getting 'new life in to one of his left n1pples'. One of his left n1pples? You mean to tell me he has more than one left n1pple? Kind of leaves a lac-taste in my mouth" – Senor Bingo.
"Biggest transfer of this window? Assange to Ecuador on a Bosman" – Michael Holt.
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BITS AND BOBS
Newcastle United have completed the signing of Ajax's typo-in-waiting Vurnon Anita.
Liverpool's owners say the club are still suffering from the largesse of the previous regime. "You can't turn an ocean liner around like a speedboat," said John W Henry, who was clearly the only other person paying attention to Speed 2: Cruise Control.
The PFA has reacted angrily to Blackeye Rovers global adviser Shebby Singh's semi-apology following his description of 30-year-old Morten Gamst Pedersen as a "pensioner". "The situation has not been helped by the subsequent apology which didn't seem to retract the comments, rather Mr Singh simply implied he was 'too honest for his own good'," sniffed a PFA statement.
And Sunderland have signed striker Louis Saha on a one-year deal, much, we imagine, to the chagrin of Steven '#headsgone' Fletcher.
STILL WANT MORE?
Steve Clarke + West Brom = no relegation worries, reckons Stuart James.
AVB + Tottenham = well, frankly we're not all that sure, writes David Hytner.
'You want answers?' 'I want the truth!' 'You can't handle the truth!' 'Well then I'll vote in the Guardian's pre-season Premier League polls and come up with my own idea of the truth'.
Manchester City are set to spill the statistical beans, reports Andy Hunter.
And from Maradona's majesty to a Tony Hibbert-inspired pitch invasion in the space of a couple of paragraphs – it could only by Classic YouTube.
